Dan Chambers

Apparently Dean Gaffney once tore a horse in half. Lengthways.

This is a lie. Obvious, you might think…

But I’ve been a bit perturbed recently by the amount of people who tell me that they can never tell when I’m being serious or not. So I thought I’d offer a handy list of things I say which are usually lies:

1. “Dean Gaffney once tore a horse in half… lengthways.” There you are, you know that one already. Incidentally, it doesn’t have to be Dean Gaffney – anyone will do. Minor celebrities are best, and the lie works well if you lean towards the person and lower your voice, conspiratorially.

2. “Dean Gaffney died by choking on a magnet.” Dean Gaffney, at the time of writing this, isn’t dead, so this is obviously falsehood. But if it were someone in the distant past, you might be sucked in, so beware. Sometimes I will add, with a sad shake of the head, “if only he’d had two… or been nearer to the fridge.”

3. “Dean Gaffney once caused a goat to burst, just by speaking its name.” Come to think of it… this one is completely true.